Everything Wrong With Dick Figures The Movie
Synopsis Dick Figures The Movie was a huge success on Youtube, but even a cult classic like this still has it's sins. Transcript (Heading pops up saying "Everything Wrong With" then the title from the end of the film "Dick Figures The Movie" pops up, along with text below it saying "for the length of this page, spoilers, duh" (the film starts off zooming up in outer space) Sin Voice: Film opening in outer space cliche. (Tally sound) Disembodied voice: This is a story about Stick Figures. Who live in a world full of monsters & explosions &....... Raccoons & a lot of other cool stuff too. Sin Voice: Narrator tries to be clever by naming off common tropes in action films, when in reality the film is full of these. (Tally sound) (A red asteroid-like object descends toward it.) Sin Voice: Asteroid flying into earth cliche. (Tally Sound) Also why is this asteroid only going to earth, is it just being a dick to the other planets or is this some kind of superman joke, too bad the movie never explains this. (Tally sound) (Camera moves from the sky to an elementary school.) Sin Voice: This storm in the background easily foreshadows the red asteroid hitting this school. (Tally sound) Raccoon: I can't wait for runch! ("Lunch" in his accent) Sin Voice: Obvious racist animal. (Tally sound) Stacy: (walks out swaying side to side as she walks with Pink following her) Oh my Gawd, you think there are gonna be boys at this school or what? Pink : Eww. Boys have cooties! Sin Voice: Just so the film won't piss off it's female viewers, we also have our two main protagonists if they were little girls, obvious symbolism. (Tally sound) (Blue stops at the bus door looking nervous and lonely. The rest of the group heads for school just as Pink looks back at Blue and smiles.) Sin Voice: This five second shot illustrates Blue as scared and lonely, while also implying Pink will be with Blue in the future. (Tally sound) Mr. Dingleberry: Adios, assholes! I'm late for a rave! (He then takes out his pill container and swallows two pills. He then speeds off, almost driving off with Blue.) ''Yeah! Sin Voice: Old people are a dick to children. (Tally sound) Also no one would still have a rave at 8 in the morning, most of us would be asleep from the rave earlier that night. (Tally sound) Plus, isn't this man suppose to be in his seventies, taking drugs like that would increase your chances of having a heart attack. (Tally sound) ''(There is a firey explosion behind Blue as he walks unphased by what happened) Sin Voice: Nope, the explosion beat him to it. (Tally sound) (but then he falls head first in a mud puddle. Pink giggles and walks off as Blue recovers from the fall.) Sin Voice: The film establishes that Blue will be treated like shit by everyone, only question I have is, why is he the only one treated like shit? Is there a certain quality that will make him easy to make fun of or is he just a dick to everyone? (Tally sound) Broseph: (standing by the school sign mocking Blue) Ah ha ha ha. Where'd you learn to walk? Cripple school? (claps his hand) Nice! (walks off) Sin Voice: This guy is a dick to disabled people. (Tally sound) Plus why would you make that joke if no one was around, you didn't prove anything other than the fact that your a dick. (Tally sound) Stacy: (downing a pixie stick next to Pink.) Hey bitch, want a pixie stick? Pink: My mom says those turn you into a whore. Stacy: Probably!! (She continues eating her pixie stick.) Sin Voice: Bullshit, I had a shit ton of pixie sticks when i was her age and i'm nothing like her as an adult. (Tally sound) Also pixie stick product placement. Lord Tourettes: SPLENDID!! Mine as well! Say, there's a young JERKFACE looking for you! (Blue expression changes, kind of scared) Says he wants to beat your BUTT'until you die. Ha! Ta-ta. ''(giggles off leaving Blue in front of a sign that says "SCHOOL IS TEH BEST!", worried) Sin Voice: I know this character with tourettes syndrome is suppose to be a joke, but wouldn't he use stronger words than this? (Tally sound) Kids in elementary school can't even spell the word "the" correctly. (Tally sound) Also, he just walked in like twenty second ago, and already someone wants to beat the shit out of him, sounds like he lives in a bad neighborhood, but we'll never know. (Tally sound) '''Broseph: (walks up the see saw to the other side to lift Blue up in the air) Must be, 'cause otherwise YOU'd know that the see saw is for 5th graders. Sin Voice: What fifth graders still use see saws? Wouldn't they be using trading cards and playing basketball at this age? (Tally sound) Broseph: Yeah? Price for playing on the 5th-grade playground, is your milk money. (The other kids pull Blue down & hold him to the see saw as he struggles free, lifting Broseph into the air as lightning strikes in the background.) Sin Voice: Adults are not present to stop this. (Tally sound) Also who still refers to lunch money as milk money? What is this the 1950's? (Tally sound) Broseph: (as a few other kids, including Stacy & Pink, start to notice what is going on.) You know that I got held back five years? But my muscles didn't. Uhh! Sin Voice: So your what? 15? (Tally sound) Also why is all the boys beating Blue up, and only the girls do nothing? Are boys just plain awful people and girls are just to watch and do nothing? That's sexist. (Tally sound) Broseph: No. No! Nooo... (starts to panic as it speeds right toward him & blows him up. As the fumes of the asteroid settles, Blue recovers 1st & walk over to the crater. Amusingly, it shows the skull of Broseph with his hair as a part of his skull) Sin Voice: Was it suppose to hit this boy? If so, asteroids are a dick to 15 year olds. (Tally sound) Also, how is your hair gel a part of your skull? You must of been born disabled then which sorta explains your behavior. (Tally sound) How come the gel hair kid is the only one is who killed while everyone else is just fine? The impact from that asteroid must of at least killed like three more people. (Tally sound) Forest green bully: It's a new kid! Get him! Sin Voice: It's takes the boys thirty seconds to ignore the fact that they just saw an alien land on earth to beat him up just because he's a new kid at the school, they must be lonely. (Tally sound) (He goes back down & beats up 6 kids, inside the crater. He then jumps to the other side, shown in slow motion, and kicks 2 more kids. He beats up 5 more of them & he then grabs 1, jumps into the air & throws the kid to the ground, creating an ''explosion & defeating all the kids inside the crater.)'' Sin Voice: Movie intentionally rips off Dragon Ball Z. (Tally sound) Stacy: Oh my God! You're sooo sexy! (Pink then pulls her away.) Red: I know. Sin Voice: No 6 year old would say this. (Tally sound) Blue: Dude, you saved my life!! Red: I know! Sin Voice: Actually he just beat up a group of bullies because of you were on a see saw, but sure, you could say that. (Tally sound) Blue: My name is Blue. No matter what happens, I promise, I will always be your friend! Sin Voice: It must be easy for him to declare someone his friend, all you have to do is beat up a group of boys and now your automatically my BFF. (Tally sound) (Montage begins) Sin Voice: Growing up in school montage cliche. (Tally sound) (shows a 2D Platforming game on TV with a Gelato Bete type character) Sin Voice: Who still plays 2D games? It's 2013. (Tally sound) (shows a huge mess & zooms to show Red drinking his can & burping. He laughs & wipes his mouth with a T-Shirt) Sin Voice: You have amazing martial art skills and powers, but you decide to spend all your time playing video games, even I wouldn't do this all time. (Tally sound) Pink: ''(laughs) You're such a jerk! ''(punches Blue's arm) Blue: '''Ah! Oh my god! Oww. Sin Voice: Actually Pink, your the jerk. (Tally sound) Also no one is naked in bed in this scene. (Tally sound) '''Pink: ''(off-screen) See you later, Blue! I'll call you tonight. '''Blue: '(off-screen) ''Okay smoochie poo-poo pie. Sin Voice: No man would ever say that to his girlfriend. (Tally sound) '''Mr. Dingleberry: '''You haven't payed rent in 8 months! Sin Voice: Yet they're still living here. (Tally sound) Also this guy is the same man who was bus driver when these two were kids, I call bullshit if anyone believes he's actually still alive from all that time and the explosion from many years ago. (Tally sound) ''(The Gelato on the game falls into fire) Gelato: '''MAMA MIAA!!! Sin Voice: That's racist. (Tally sound) '''Blue: ''(takes controller) Move over. I got a degree in advanced joystick theory & I ain't afraid to use it. Sin Voice: No university ever offers a degree for useless shit like that. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '(fapping sound) ''Uh, Olivia! Oh Munn! ''(cuts to Blue who looks like he's masturbating at his computer) ''You do it for me everytime! Sin Voice: Olivia Munn isn't my girlfriend in this scene. (Tally sound) Also is Olivia Munn the hot chick you masturbate to? (Tally sound) Olivia Munn doesn't exist in this stick figure world, but sure we'll mention her just for this masturbating joke. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''There! Done with this hand crocheted towel of Olivia Munn! Sin Voice: For what purpose? (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''I mean we haven't payed the electricity bill in 7 months. '''Red: '''We ''pay ''for electricity? Sin Voice: Well, someone has too. (Tally sound) '''Blue: 'You don't! I '''do! Sin Voice: If so, then why is the power out? (Tally sound) '''Red: '''Can't let. ''(eats turkey) ''Precious food. ''(eats rest of turkey) ''Go to waste! '''Blue: '''Dude you know that's all expired. '''Red: ''(coughs) I DON'T CARE! ''(laughs) Sin Voice: Are you really that poor that your only source of food is an expired turkey? (Tally sound) Blue: 'Her birthday's next week & I told her I got her the greatest gift of all time, but I didn't get her anything! Sin Voice: You still have a week to get her something, and I'm sure if she wanrs a great gift, jewerly would do just fine. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''No. Come on, you know what girls like right? What should I get her? Sin Voice: You immediately assume that a guy who just bangs girls knows what every girl is like. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''Hey you should go see The Racc- ''(vomits) 'Blue: '''See who? '''Red: '''The Raccoo- ''(vomits) Sin Voice: Cheap vomit joke. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''Eesh. I don't know if I should get my girlfriend a gift in the pawn shop. Sin Voice: It's better than nothing. (Tally sound) Also how is a pawn shop your first place to look for a gift for a woman, obviously these people have never heard of Jared's. (Tally sound) '''Red: ''(gasps) You should get her this cool hat! ''(picks up a Bear Trap) Blue: '''Yeah, try it on. Sin Voice: You can't be that dumb to not know the difference between a bear trap and a hat. (Tally sound) Also if you were really Red's friend you would tell him not to do something that will kill him in the dumbest way. (Tally sound) '''Raccoon: '''DID YOU TOUCH THAT FUCKING BEAR TRAP?! '''Red: ''(walks on-screen with a bear trap on his head while bleeding) No. Idiot. Sin Voice: Yes he did. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''No! Old people stories! Sin Voice: These dudes are a dick to old people. (Tally sound) '''Raccoon: '''Though wounded, he shattered the b''r''ade & scattered it through the wind. Sin Voice: An object that heavy wouldn't blow in the wind, no matter how powerful your wind is. (Tally sound) '''Lord Takagami: '''Fuck you! Sin Voice: Japanese people from several centuries ago clearly know both english and swearing for no reason. (Tally sound) '''Raccoon: '(raises middle finger) ''He was a douchebag. Sin Voice: Raccoon's know how to flip the bird and use their fingers. (Tally sound) '''Lord Takagami: '''You may have won the battle Raccoon, but the ghosts of my warriors will haunt The Great Sword of Destiny, FOREVER! Sin Voice: Villain giving dying threat cliche. (Tally sound) '''Raccoon:' Dishonered, my kinsmen banished me from my home! (shows Raccoon on a row boat going into the sunset) ''Never again, to return. Sin Voice: So let me get this straight, this guy gets banished from his home after defending it from an army just because a gaint octopus came out and attacked them out of nowhere, I'm sorry but those kinsmen are dicks. (Tally sound) ''(cuts back to the shop and Raccoon is asleep, Red bangs on a gong to wake him back up) Raccoon: 'Oh! Sorry. I was-a bored my own story. Sin Voice: Ha ha no you weren't. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''Is it, a dick? '''Raccoon: '''Yes. '''Red: '''Really? '''Raccoon: '''No. ''(laughs) ''You very gu''rr''ible Sin Voice: Cheap penis joke. (Tally sound) '''Raccoon: '''You must-a find the man who considers me his greatest enemy. ''(zooms on Raccoon) ''My son, Son-san! Sin Voice: Son hating his father cliche. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''Maybe...but at least I'm not a goddamn pussy! Sin Voice: It may make Blue a pussy, but at least he wouldn't be dumb. (Tally sound) '''Raccoon: '''You ARE a pussy, with a capito''r ''vagina! I told you about the b''r''ade cause I thought you would have the courage to do something...extraordinary! Sin Voice: Convincing someone to do something not normal of them cliche. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''Good! Pussies hate danger! And I'm NOT a pussy! Sin Voice: (Sigh) (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''Okay, maybe I was wrong. This is pretty scary. Sin Voice: Fuck you, you haven't even done anything yet and already you're doubting doing this quest, now I kinda understand why people love to kick your ass. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''Whew! See? How would you have any fun without me? '''Blue: '''Reading is fun. '''Red: '''Your mom's fun! ''(Laughs) Sin Voice: Cheap mom joke. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''This one's got boobs & beer! ''(Red runs off-screen) ''Red? '''Red: ''(off-screen) BOOBS & BEEERRR! Sin Voice: Okay dude, it doesn't matter if this boat goes japan, it has boobs and beer so we have to go on that one. '''Broseph: '''Halt bra! This booze cruise is for college house dudes, and dudettes, ONLY! Hmm?? Sin Voice: Holy shit, that was the guy from years earlier in elementary school, how did he suddenly resurrect? (Tally sound) '''Broseph: '''Whoa! Holy Shit! Your that Freshman 15 dude, dude! Didn't you, like, nail 15 freshman chicks in like one night? Sin Voice: You know what else he did? Killed you back in elementary school. (Tally sound) Also, wouldn't you be much older than these two? How did you appear at a college party with much younger kids in it. (Tally sound) '''Broseph: '''Yes bro, yes! That's what I'm talkin' about! Dude, welcome aboard bro dude bro. Keg's on the poop deck, babes on the port side. Sin Voice: So this guy immediately forgives Red for killing him back in elementary school just because he banged a bunch of girls in college, I call bullshit on that. (Tally sound) '''Dock Worker 1: '''Hey! We only have room for one more pallet! Should we load the beer or the life vests? '''Dock Worker 2:' Load the BEER! No regrets! Dock Worker 1: No regrets! Sin Voice: And now your deciding to load the life vests? (Tally sound) Red: You ladies wanna sumo wrestle? (Walks down the walkway.) Sin Voice: That's racist. (Tally sound) (Time lapse. Red & Blue walk past a group of TVs showing an anime show.) Anime Red: I am so angru! Anime Blue: I'm in danger of failing out of major video game academ-y. (Sweat drop) Sin Voice: Unnecessary anime segment. (Tally sound) TV: ''(sings Auto-Tuned) Why do the koi fish ''(grows legs) ''cr- cr- cry? ''(dances with a Japanese flag) ''Why do the koi fish, die, die, die? Sin Voice: That's racist. (Tally sound) '''Red: '(walks near Blue with some food) This is some crunchy-ass rice. Blue: 'Red, that's a bowl of tiny cell phones. ''(The phones in Red's mouth begin ringing) Sin Voice: Obvious foreshadowing of tiny cellphones being useful later on. (Tally sound) '''Purple Woman: ''(makes a cat face & now has a cat tail)'' Red: '''What is wrong with her face? '''Purple Woman: ''(makes a sparkling anime face then after Red & Blue look at each other in confusion, makes a man face)'' Blue: 'Mm-hmm, yeah, uh-huh. You are extremley un-helpful. Sin Voice: That's racist. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''Oh, my God, all those animes were documentaries. Sin Voice: What the fuck? That didn't make any logical sense (Tally sound) '''Red: '''Aah! That sushi resturaunt better be close. I'm hungry for some more cell phones! ''(phones ring in Red's body) Sin Voice: Let's keep reminding the audience after two minutes that Red has tiny cellphones inside of him. (Tally sound) 'Red: '''How we gonna know what the Raccoon's kid even looks like? ''(A Raccoon, passes them) 'Raccoon Waiter: '''P''r''ease, have a seat. '''Red: '''Huh. Guess he's not here. Sin Voice: For once I may agree with Red on this, are the only people who work here all raccoons? (Tally sound) '''Son-san: '''I am Son-san, son of Papa-san. The one you call 'The Raccoon.' '''Red: '''WhaaaAAAATT!? Sin Voice: Red is forced to be surprised by this obvious statement. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''Huh. Raccoon looks nothing like his family. Sin Voice: Yes he does. (Tally sound) '''Son-san: '''A fami''r''y he ABANDONED when he dishonored the mighty Japan with the Great-a Sword of Destiny! Sin Voice: Right, so you immediately forget he defended your village from an army, but that octopus ate your mother so your forced to hate your father then. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''Oh thank godzilla. Sin Voice: Unneccasryy Godzilla reference. (Tally sound) '''Son-san: '''I swore an oath, that I would never revea''r the r''ocation of the weapon so it may never fall into his hands again. '''Blue: '''Oh no it's not for the Raccoon, It's for me. '''Son-san: '''Oh! Well that's fine! It's-a just up at that mountain. Sin Voice: Okay sure, you easily trust two strangers with the information for the location of the sword, despite the fact that you don't want your father to know, I know this is suppose to be comical, but it's also just plain stupid. (Tally sound) '''Olive Green: '''Red-san! Your so fat! '''Red: '''I had a whole bowl of cell phones for lunch! '''Olive Green: '''Aah, that exp''r''ains it. Sin Voice: And we need another reminder that Red ate tiny cellphones earlier. (Tally sound) ''(while Red continues singing, he steps on another trap, releasing a boulder & chasing Blue. He then hits a mask which causes fire to burst from it's mouth & burn Blue. Red then floats above spikes but when Blue grabs the rope, arrows shoot at him & fire burns him again. Red enters completely fine while Blue follows with 2 arrows & a dart in him) Sin Voice: Jerk character gets through traps without a scratch while nice character gets hit by them cliche. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''Man, that little panda was right. Sin Voice: That's racist. (Tally sound) '''Red: (blows smell away) ''Oh my god! That's a bad one. Evasive Maneuvers! ''(floats up) Sin Voice: Holy shit, this guy can fly this whole time? Why didn't he just pick Blue up and fly to Japan so they would save time and distractions? (Tally sound) Red: ''(looks at a giant map below Blue) Man this is a cool drawing! It's got like all 3 condiments! '''Blue:'' You mean continents? 'Red: '''Yeah. Uh there's squiggle, Super squiggle & America! Sin Voice: Red has the mindset of a 5 year old from Texas. (Tally sound) (''The ground shakes & Lord Takagami appears with a flash of lightning, along with demon ninjas who jump out of the shadows) Sin Voice: Demon villain has menacing entrance cliche. (Tally sound) '''Lord Takagami: We are the the Takagami demon army, our blades burn like fire, and our fire stings like ice, and our ice is really fucking cold. Sin Voice: Hilariously clunky exposition. (Tally sound) Blue: They're not cops, they're demons! Red: Oh, really? Blue: 'Why do demons scare you less than cops?! '''Red: '''Demons don't have guns! Sin Voice: Right, cause guns are worse than demons with swords and ninjas. (Tally sound) (''Red tries to push away a ladder the ninjas are climbing, but they push it back. Blue pulls up a net, trapping 4 demon ninjas. Blue drops the sword hilt. Red smashes a demon ninja into the floor before picking up the hilt & throwing it to Blue. They start rowing in a boat. A demon ninja tries to jump into the boat, but misses, before being electrocuted. Red fires a harpoon through 3 of the demon ninjas.) Sin Voice: Filmmakers take a page out of the Bourne movies. (Tally sound) 'TNT Worker: '''Be very careful with that dynamite. It's going to the exp''r''osion factory. Sin Voice: No, it's used for an explosion, just for our next sin. (Tally sound) ''(the TNT begin to explode in slow motion, knocking the Demon Ninjas back. Red & Blue scream in slow motion & land in a row boat, which begins sailing out to sea.) Sin Voice: Unnecessary TNT explosion. (Tally sound) '''Blue: Well, I love her, okay? That's why. Red: Whaat dooes that meeean? Sin Voice: Idiot character doesn't know love cliche. (Tally sound) Red: So you mean a boner? Blue: NO! Red: Dude, I'm in love all day. Sin Voice: Unnecessary erection joke. (Tally sound) Red: I wouldn't do all this for a boner. I'd just go online & look up pictures of your mom. Sin Voice: Again, unnecessary mom joke. (Tally sound) Red: Yeah they do, why do you think I beat up all those bullies back in kindergarten? Blue: To save my life? Sin Voice: And yet you still think that's why he did it. (Tally sound) (the screen appears again as a dream sequence showing Red as kid in the events of First Day of Cool, he looks up) Red: Hey baby, this one's for you. (winks at the girls as they fall for Red)'' ''Stacy: Oh my god, (blushes) who is that?'' Sin Voice: Dream sequence with different results cliche. (Tally sound) '''Blue: ''(gets up) God damn it! Where are we? '''Red:' We're in paradise, mon! (trills) Sin Voice: That's racist. (Tally sound) Blue: '''No we're not! We're on a deserted island! '''Red: '''We should really sail to Dinner Island first. Sin Voice: Only an idiot would know the difference between desert and dessert, but whatever, that's just who Red is anyway. (Tally sound) '''Red: ''(gasps) Is there Burrito island? That sounds waayy better! Sin Voice: I'm sure a dessert island would be better than that. (Tally sound) This next sentence Blue says is worthy of two sins, one for his freaking out and his viewing of his girlfriend. '''Blue: '''Oh my god. ''(sits down) ''Oh my god I'm actually gonna die. ''(freaks out) ''I'm gonna die next to an asshole & I'll never see Pink's boobs again! (Two tally sounds) '''Red: '''Yeah, and I'm real worried this place doesn't have internet. Sin Voice: Right, cause that's more important than, oh i don't know, food, fresh water, any way of communicating? (Tally sound) ''(Red peforms small dance moves to dial the phone in his butt) Blue: '''Yup, this is my nightmare. Sin Voice: I'm sure it's mine too. (Tally sound) '''Blue: ''(gasps) It's ringing! Sin Voice: Like that would ever happen. (Tally sound) '''Girl: '(on the line) ''Hello, you've reached Global Rescue Services, ready to rescue you wherever you are. Sin Voice: First I don't believe in tiny cellphones working, and now I don't believe in cell service working in the middle of the ocean. (Tally sound) '''Red: '(tries to kick Blue away) Well hello yourself baby, you can rescue me anytime. What are you wearin'. what are you doin'? Sin Voice: Side character ruins main protagonist's action cliche. (Tally sound) Blue: You ruin everything! Red: '''It's not that bad. Sin Voice: No it's really bad. (Tally sound) '''Cpt. Crookygrin : ''(laughs) Cheerio old chaps, grab a hold! Sin Voice: How does this guy know that someone is on that island from hundreds of miles away? This will make more sense for the next sin coming up. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''That was Burrito Island? ''(screams, sadly) ''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ''(Blue looks annoyed) Cpt. Crookygrin: '''Or maybe it was Boobie Island. '''Red: ''(screams even sadlier, almost cries) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sin Voice: Like you'd actually believe either of those two things would be there. (Tally sound) '''Cpt. Crookygrin: '''And an alcoholic, a thousand flights, a thousand crashes. Perfect record Sin Voice: So the military would allow an alcoholic to fly just because, of, well, we really don't know. (Tally sound) '''Cpt. Crookygrin: '''Whoop, wa wa whoop, trying to flip us over you old bitch. Did I mention I'm blind? Alcohol blindness. Sin Voice: Then how do you explain how you knew Red and Blue were on the island, just saying it makes no sense. (Tally sound) '''Cpt. Crookygrin: '''On my way to Gay Paris. Sin Voice: That's racist. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''Uh..Tom. '''Red: '''Uh-, and..Tom. Sin Voice: This film is a dick to all Tom's in the world. (Tally sound) ''(Red spots a box of Alcohol) Red: '....Maybe not! ''(Points to the box of alcohol) ''You thinking what I'm thinking? '''Blue: '''Never. Sin Voice: Red's solution to anything, alcohol. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''We'll just get this guy sloshed he'll be as blind as a pelican! '''Blue: '''Pelicans aren't blind! Sin Voice: Red is a dick to Pelicans. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''Here Crooky, a toast for good luck! ''(Hands Cpt. Crookygrin a bottle of beer) '''Cpt. Crookygrin: '''No, no. I mustn't never drop. The fate of the queen depends on it! '''Red: '''Wouldn't be very proper to turn down a shot of English gin, would it? '''Cpt. Crookygrin: ''(Grabs the beer bottle) Bitch, proper's my middle name! Sin Voice: All you have to do is mention English gin to this guy, and he'll immediately begin drinking again. (Tally sound) '''Red: '(waves to Blue) ''I hope they shoot you in the face! Sin Voice: Fuck you Red. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''Oh shit! Jetpack Demon Ninjas! Sin Voice: No shit, how else would they be able to catch up with you. (Tally sound) Also how did he and his ninjas know they were on this plane? Do you have a keen sense of their presence or is it just necessary to throw them in this scene just to further the plot. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''We toasted to you so now we gotta toast to me! '''Cpt. Crookygrin: '''Well, it's only customary. To Tom! '''Red: '''Who? Sin Voice: Further proof more that Red is a plain idiot. (Tally sound) (''Blue begins shooting bullets at the uncoming Ninjas, a few fly past the plane whom Blue shoots with the 50-cal. As Blue continues shooting the plane befores a swirl, killing some Ninjas)' Sin Voice: Blue is suddenly skilled at shooting a 50-cal on a plane. (Tally sound) Cpt. Crookygrin: 'You leave my mother out of this you twat. Sin Voice: (Sigh) You can tell the jokes here are getting more bland by the second when you keep repeating a joke involving someone's mom. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''Oh my god, i just puked. Sin Voice: Repeating a previous sin from seconds before. (Tally sound) '''Ninja #1: '''Cumulonimbus? NOOOOOOOOO! ''(then crashes to cumulonimbus & explodes) Sin Voice: Cumulonimbus is a dick to ninjas. (Tally sound) (the calibration meter slowly turns counter-clockwise) Sin Voice: Plane starts malfunctioning cliche. (Tally sound) 'Red: '''Hey, Red! What's your favourite animal? '''Cpt. Crookygrin: '''I like the color green a lot, but also the bathroom, cuz that's where you can barf! ''(vomits) Sin Voice: Even drunk people wouldn't say this. (Tally sound) Plus another vomit joke, repeated from second before. (Tally sound) (Plane flies between the Notre Dame Catedral, slowly approaches the ground & crashes, slides by meters, a pandomime walks away, and sees the plane approaching to him, then plane stops. Pandomime takes a deep breathe, but plane crashes to him & a blood splatter sound is heard) Sin Voice: Planes are a dick to mimes. (Tally sound) '''Cpt. Crookygrin: ''(low voice)'' I'm-I'm dying. (Red & Blue make a shocked expression) Red & Blue: 'Oh shit! ''(Crookygrin is covered by glass shatters. Blue gets Crookygrin out of armchair, Crookygrin coughs) Sin Voice: Jinx. (Tally sound) 'Cpt. Crookygrin: '''Another flight, another crash... perfect... record. Ahhhh, now tally-ho. ''(he dies) Sin Voice: Character's dying speech cliche. (Tally sound) '''Red: ''(laughs)'' That dude's gonna have a hangover tomorrow! Woo-wee. Sin Voice: Oh fuck you Red. (Tally sound) (Red spots a Purple French waitress in front of the Café Tourettes) Red: 'Ooh la la, yeah I'm gonna probe this waitress for directions ''(makes a pelvic thrust) Hmm! Sin Voice: It takes Red 15 seconds to forget that he's working with Blue again to go see if he can go bang this french chick. (Tally sound) 'Pink: '''Hey Blue, it's Pink. Just calling you for the 100th time. Sin Voice: Pink used all her time she's had for the past couple days to call her boyfriend. (Tally sound) '''Phone Employee(offscreen): '''Mailbox. Full. You crazy. Sin Voice: I do beleive in girls leaving hundreds of messages on their boyfriend's inbox, I do not believe in custom phone employee messages voiced like that. (Tally sound) (''Pink looks at the apartment & a bit worried. Then heads to the door 36DD & knocks the door. The door opens) Sin Voice: Unnecessary boob joke. (Tally sound) (Shows a calender that has Red's name on every day except for one Sunday marked Steven and Brad) Sin Voice: I don't care how much of a whore you are, I find it impossible for a woman like that to have that much sex, even on god's day, she even does it with two different people on the same day, not only does it make this a sin, but also a passage ready to hell for this chick. (Tally sound) '''Stacy: ''(touches the hat) Red, where did you get that hat? Sin Voice: I don't know what's more of sin here, Stacy not recognizing that's not's Red, or how unnecaaryry this scene was. (Tally sound) '''Lord Takagami: '''Excellent work, Colonel Dingleberry. The sword is safe, thanks to you. '''Mr. Dingleberry: '''You said I'd get a reward. '''Lord Takagami: '''And you shall, you'll be seeing your friend, Crookygrin, sooner than you think! ''(unsheathes his sword & stabs Mr. Dingleberry) 'Mr. Dingleberry: '''Oh shit! Should've seen that coming ''(dies) Sin Voice: Yeah, you should've. (Tally sound) Main antagonist is a dick to other characters cliche. (Tally sound) (Red & the waitress tongue-kiss each other in middle of the table) Sin Voice: Overly exaggerated makeoutt scene. (Tally sound) '''Red: Yeah! Lemme show you how to French kiss. '''Waitress: '(French accent) ''Why don't you show me your Le Tour Eiffel instead? Sin Voice: PG-13 level innuendo. (Tally sound) ''(Red & waitress laughs then falls from table, only waitress is visible) Sin Voice: PG-13 level sex scene. (Tally sound) Lord Tourettes: (singing) Rumors, rumors, in France it's called frommage. It isn't a mirage. And it's (inaudible) Bagette, bagette, it looks just like a 'DICK!' You bake it in the oven & it smells just like 'SHIT!' Because France's favourite food is 'DICK BABY NAZI ASS CHEESE POWDER FART!' (smiles) Sin Voice: This guy managed to make Paris a complete shit joke in just under a minute. (Tally sound) (The audience long pauses in shock & then applauses in amazement) Random Male: ''(French accent) Oh. I swear, it's just like my son. Sin Voice: First Japan, now Paris, these filmmakers have a very stereotypical viewing of other countries around the world. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''Dude, is that Lord Tourettes? '''Lord Tourettes: '(to Red & Blue) ''Well hello '''BUTT-FUCKERS!' Sin Voice: If that performance wasn't enough, now you know it's him. (Tally sound) Lord Tourettes: 'Playing the accordian. '''Blue: '''But, why are you in Paris? '''Lord Tourettes: '''TO PLAY THE ACCORDIAN! Sin Voice: This is probably the most logical response in the whole film, and it still doesn't make any sense. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''No! We're trying to find something called, Le Tour Eiffel. '''Lord Tourettes: '''Le Tour Eiffel? OH! You must mean, The Eiffel Tower! '''Blue: '''THAT'S what it is!? '''Red: '''French is retarded! Sin Voice: That's racist. (Tally sound) ''(Suddenly, the French Police break into the restaurant.) '''Chad-Gendermarie: (speaks French) ''Spread out. Find those assholes Rouge & Blue... Sin Voice: These cops show up just to move the plot forward. (Tally sound) ''(Blue, Red & Lord Tourettes hide behind the table) Red: I'm always gettin' down. Down, down, down! Sin Voice: Even when your life is in peril, Red finds the time to pop a sex joke in. (Tally sound) Chad-Gendermarie: 'No one kills a mime in my town.. Sin Voice: So wait, you're only after them because you assume they killed a mime? I guess it doesn't matter that they crashed a plane in Paris, if you assume they killed a mime, we must hit them with everything. (Tally sound) ''(Lord Tourettes opens a lid off of a plate but is shocked to find Red in it, Red quickly notices & pretends to be a crab to avoid being noticed) Sin Voice: Any logical person could see this is actually a person, but because it's a comedy, we have to assume French people are too dumb to notice it's a person. (Tally sound) Also, this is the worst place to hide when in a restaurant and the police are raiding you. (Tally sound) '''Chad-Gendermarie: Eesh, your food looks.... deliceous. (the yellow child tries to rip off Red's arm) Yellow Child: 'Mama, the crab's legs won't come off! Sin Voice: This next two minutes are all a sin on their own. (Tally sound) ''(The yellow child cracks Red's arm with a shell cracking device) (Tally sound) 'Blue Woman: '''There you go, take a bite. (Tally sound) ''(The yellow child begins biting Red's arm while tears begin running down Red's face) (Tally sound) '''Chad-Gendermarie: My, your food is cooked so fresh, it is still crying! My I, try a bite? (Tally sound) Light Purple Woman: '''Please it is too much for us. (Tally sound) '''Chad-Gendermarie: (speaks french) Merci beaucoup. (cracks Red's other arm with his hands & takes bites of it) ''It is, rather tender. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''Monseuir, we have finished our sweep. Rouge & Blue are nowhere to be found. Sin Voice: They have to address that Paris is full of idiots who will believe that anyone with a cap of any kind on their head is a police officer. (Tally sound) ''(Blue throws the hat away, Red starts crying while Lord Tourettes slaps Red's arm out of the yellow child's hand) Sin Voice: LT is a dick to children. (Tally sound) Blue: 'Come on dude, be quiet & we can get out of here. ''(Red suddenly farts, one of the Cops stops & looks back) '''French Cop: '''Did that crab just fart? Sin Voice: You do realize that could've been anyone, you have like seven guys with you and you immediately assume it was the crab. (Tally sound) '''Lord Tourettes: ''(smashes the car's window for some reason) Get in! I'm-a hotwiring this '''SHIT! ' (They get in the car by the handle, while Lord Tourettes tries hotwiring the car) Sin Voice: LT is suddenly skilled at hot-wiring cars. (Tally sound) Lord Tourettes: 'It's gonna be a bumpy ride. Sin Voice: It's going to be a bumpy ride cliche. (Tally sound) ''(Blue crashes the door to the cop in left, Red jumps onto one of the motorbikes & pursuit continues. More cops, police cars & choppers come, motorbike cops open fire, Red deflects bullets, jumps from a ramp, so the motorbike cops, but one of them dies, another one crashes into a truck, Red jumps from a ramp & slo-mo flies over LT's hijacked car. Red, Blue & LT look at each other slo-mo. Then Red goes up from the stairs with 2 more motorbikes. They open fire & one cop crashes into sellpoint. Red kicks the other cop & he crashes to a car, then motorbike, 2 more motorbikes come nearly to car) Sin Voice: Movie intentionally rips off the most recent Fast and Furious films for this 4 minute chase sequence. (Tally sound) (LT climbs up & Blue takes the wheel, LT & pilots begins to fight on hand) Sin Voice: LT suddenly knows how to expertly fight. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''Where are we going!? '''Lord Tourettes: '''Follow me I'll guide you to the '''COCK of Paris. Sin Voice: Repeated erection joke. (Tally sound) Blue: 'Red! ''(Blue turns the car to left, opens the back door, then brakes & lifts the handbrake & grabs Red) Sin Voice: Holy shit! That was cool, only thing I didn't get is how Blue managed to figure that how so quickly. (Tally sound) '''Chad-Gendermarie: (speaks into speaker) ''Ho-ho you are surrounded! Get off of our cock! '''Red: '''You get off of MY cock, dick! Sin Voice: I don't know what's more worthy of a sin here, the repeated penis jokes or the fact that they managed to jump off a helicopter perfectly while it's still running. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '(to Red) ''Come on. ''(he & Red climb up the Eiffel Tower) Oh God I'm out of shape. Red: '''Dude I'm like King Kong. Sin Voice: You do realize you can fly right Red? (Tally sound) '''Lord Tourettes: '''How about a little lullaby? ''(pulls his accordian out & sings) ''Go to sleep, me pettite, with dreams of fresh baguettes, drink some wine, my sweetheart, '''I'VE GOT FUCKING ASS SHARTS! Sin Voice: LT has suddenly ruined my childhood. (Tally sound) Blue: '''Uh, now what? '''Red: '''Stick it in! Stttiicckk it iiinn! Sin Voice: Red is a nymphomaniac. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''two pieces down, one left to go. I wonder what that last piece is. '''Red: '''I hope it's a dragon! Sin Voice: That wouldn't make any sense in the slightest. (Tally sound) '''Lord Tourettes: '''In a mountain behind your '''C- CO- ''(growls & falls over) Hometown! Fantastic! Sin Voice: I find it hard to believe that the final piece would be in your actual hometown, but anything to get these two dudes back home and to finish the film. (Tally sound) '''Red: '(gasps) ''Really? ''(speaks french) Blue: '''Yeah, that's way convenient. Sin Voice: Too convenient. (Tally sound) '''Lord Takagami: '''That sword will be MINE! Oooooooooooohhhhhhhh. (hides in the bushes slowly) Sin Voice: Cheesy antagonist threat to the audience. (Tally sound) '''Narrator: ''(off-screen)'' And so, Red & Blue escaped from the Takagami Demon Army & French police & took a long convoluted map journey home to find the last piece of the Great Sword of Destiny so Blue could get Pink a birthday present, or something. I don't know, this movie is crazy. Am I in your mind? Are you in mine??!! RRRAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!(shoots himself) Sin Voice: Narrator shoots himself for no reason. (Tally sound) Blue: (climbs from the ladder & looks at the map) ''Okay. According to LT, the gem of the sword is hidden in a mountain. Are there any mountains around here? ''(Red & Blue looks around Red looks under his legs, then spots a mountain) Blue: 'Huh. Never noticed that before. Sin Voice: You probably don't go out much, even though it's directly at the center of the city. (Tally sound) '''Stacy: '''Sup boys? '''Red: '''Stacy? I see 2 mountains right here! ''(goes near to Stacy) Sin Voice: This whole scene is completely unnecessary. (Tally sound) 'Red: '''Pssh, it can wait a little bit. The gem hasn't gone anywhere for like a billion years. '''Blue: '''Pink's birthday party can start any minute! No gem, no sword. No sword, no present. No present, no Blue & Pink! ''(Stacy begins to lick Red, and he has a beer can) 'Red: '''Relax, I'll just have a drink or 2. Sin Voice: Uh, have you not seen the whole movie? (Tally sound) ''(More girls come & dance around, Red holds too many beer cans & drinks a bottle) '''Red: '''I promise, just a couple of bottles & we'll have that whatever it is in no time! Sin Voice: Red continues to be an even more frustrating character for whether or not we should like him. (Tally sound) '''Red: Don't be such a stick in the butt dude, we made it home, it's party time man, hey LAAAADIIIIEEEEEES!!! Sin Voice: Oh fuck you Red. (Tally sound) Red: '''Dude, there's boobs in here, what am I supposed to do? Sin Voice: How about, I'm going to quit doing this shit and be a real person now. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''Sorry bro, this train is leavin' for Waste Face USA, population: ''(makes a small Rap) ''♪Dis hoes, dis nuts and dis bottle o' Jack. Get over here girl, put yer face on my sack.♪ Whoo! Sin Voice: Red listens to too much Kid Rock. (Tally sound) '''Pink: ''(sadly) Happy birthday, to me... Happy birthday... where's Blue? Sin Voice: Love interest ponders over missing boyfriend cliche. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''I'm comin' baby. Time to get my quest on! Begin EPIC MONTAGE! Sin Voice: That statement. (Tally sound) (Epic montage begins) Sin Voice: This song. (Tally sound) Also I don't care how strong your wind is, it wouldn't be powerful enough to blow away both a cellphone and a desktop computer. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''Hey, what's going on!? OH MY GOD! ''(shows a pool of lava underneat him) ''What the hell!? Sin Voice: Main protagonist is suddenly turned into damsel in distress. (Tally sound) ''(Lord Takagami stabs one of his Ninjas) Ninja #2: 'Oh boss! That feels crazy! Whoooaaaaaa.... ''(falls in the lava, Blue sees this & turns his gaze up to Takagam Sin Voice: Antagonist is a dick to his soldiers cliche. (Tally sound) '''Lord Takagami: '''I suppose we should be thankful Blue-san. You led us straight to the Great Sword of Destiny, and now I am going to avenge every person who has died, '''EVER! Blue: '''Wait, what about all those people who died of old age? '''Lord Takagami: '''Them '''TOOOOOO!!! Sin Voice: Only question is, how would you avenge them? (Tally sound) (Blue begins to panic, the ninjas throw Blue into the volcano, and before falling into the lava, Red swings in & saves Blue. Raccoon swings in & takes the Sword from Lord Takagami) Sin Voice: Overly annoying side character redeems himself at the last minute cliche. (Tally sound) Also, why does he need to use a rope? Red can fly right? (Tally sound) Blue: '''Red? What are you doing here!? '''Red: '''After I finished drinking all those girls & screwing all that Beer, I decided I should come back, for my friend! '''Blue: '''I must be dead. Sin Voice: Oh don't worry, the script told Red to do that. (Tally sound) '''Raccoon: '''The on''r''y one who's about to be hurt is you. Sin Voice: You can tell someone is 10,000 years old when that's their best comeback line. (Tally sound) '''Lord Takagami: ''(laughs evilly) You really think you can defeat, all of us?! ''(Shows the ninjas surrounding them) Sin Voice: Henchmen show up to fight main protagonists cliche. (Tally sound) Red: You know it! Try to take some notes. Blue: 'Hah! Yeah right, I didn't play all those video games for nothin'. Sin Voice: That won't give you shit. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''New challenger appears! ''(blocks the ninja's attack & punches him) ''K.O! ''(rips ninja's head by fist) ''Flawless...(kicks ninja)...Victory! Finish him!(breaks the ninja's neck)'' Sin Voice: You can tell this a nerd film at this point when you mention Mortal Kombat during this fight. (Tally sound) 'Red: '''Bestiality! ''(kicks the ninja in his crotch & smiles) Sin Voice: Bestiality reference. (Tally sound) (Raccoon flies over the Takagami & cuts his mask off, then lands & looks behind. The mask slides away, Takagami slowly gets up, but a raccoon head is seen) '''Raccoon: ''(gasps) Father-san? Sin Voice: Father turns out to be main enemy cliche. (Tally sound) '''Father-san: '''Did you ever really wonder why do we have the same last name? Sin Voice: I'm surprised he didn't notice either. (Tally sound) '''Father-san: '''Yes! This way, I can do this sweet job '''FOREVER'! Sin Voice: So now it all makes sense, you're just a plain asshole. (Tally sound) Raccoon: (prepares for the final attack) ''You are evi''r! Sin Voice: No shit. (Tally sound) (Raccoon senses something coming) Raccoon: 'Ocho Muerte! ''(Then looks at the crate, Father-san's head resurfaces, then morphs into Ocho Muerte. The trio dodges Ocho Muerte as it slowly rises up from the mountain & heads to the city) Sin Voice: This may go down as one of the biggest sins of all time, even though Raccoons father was battling against his son, who was Ocho Muerte at that time? He couldn't have been at both places at once during that flashback from earlier in the movie, the filmmakers seem to just let us accept the fact that Lord Takagami is also Ocho Muerte, which makes no sense when you really think about it. (Tally sound) 'Raccoon: '''Boys, your town is in grave-a danger. Sin Voice: City in peril cliche. (Tally sound) '''Stacy: '''Whatever bitch, boys are overrated Sin Voice: Says the girl who bangs them everyday. (Tally sound) ''(Pink grabs a chair & hits Ocho Muerte's arm with it) Sin Voice: The film makes sure that the love interest is just as dumb as everyone else. 'Pink: '''Blue? What's going on!? '''Blue: '''Sorry I'm late! It's a looong story. '''Red: '''Just like my dick! Sin Voice: At this point, Red will go down in history for the majority of the sins in this film. (Tally sound) ''(Blue & Red notice Pink is being taken by Ocho Muerte) 'Pink: '''Blue, help! '''Blue: '''PINK! Sin Voice: Screenwriters must of took notes from Michael Bay on how to treat it's female characters, either damsels in distress, love interests, or just used for an easy joke. (Tally sound) '''Pink: '''Blue! ''(Ocho Muerte prepares to eat Pink but Blue chops his arm off, saving Pink.) Sin Voice: Unnecessary slow motion. (Tally sound) (His arm falls & breaks the edge Blue is standing on. He falls along with the sword) 'Red: '''Blue! ''(runs to Blue) '' '''Pink: '''No! Sin Voice: I do believe in giant monsters attacking a city, I do not believe in an arm that small breaking through a roof that easily, but anything to put this guy in peril. (Tally sound) ''(right before Blue falls in Ocho Muerte's mouth, Red grabs Blue & the sword, Red's hanging off the cliff) 'Blue: '''Dude! I'm slipping! You can't pull me up with just one arm! Sin Voice: Dangling from a cliff and slipping cliche. (Tally sound) '''Red: '''Sorry dude. '''Blue: '''What? ''(Red lets go of Blue) ''Nooooooooo! ''(Blue falls into Ocho Muerte's mouth. It suddenly cuts to Red holding Blue again) '''Blue: '''RED! Did you just imagine dropping me!? Sin Voice: Whoa! Did the filmmakers just go M. Night on us? That was probably the most clever joke in the film, so I'll scratch off a sin for that. (Reverse tally sound) '''Blue: '''I thought we were actually friends this time. '''Red: ''(smiles) We are. Sin Voice: Overly long take on protagonist in peril. (Tally sound) '''Blue:' It's all good man, just stop pooping in my bed okay? Red: I never pooped in your bed. Blue: I've been pooping in my sleep!? Red: Nah I'm just messin' with ya I poop in your bed, but I won't anymore. Sin Voice: We known Red for about 73 minutes and can tell after this film he'll just be the same. (Tally sound) Blue: '''Wait. So this whole time we were actually risking our necks for you? '''Red: '''We got tricked! Sin Voice: Technically, you weren't because you didn't get your reward yet, so hold off on the accusations. (Tally sound) '''Raccoon: '''I did trick you into finding the sword for me. But what you found for yourse''r''ves was friendship. Sin Voice: Bullshit, I don't care what you showed us, I don't buy that they would still be friends after this, only reason why Blue would still be friends with Red is because this time Red actually saved his life this time. (Tally sound) Also, I know it's nit picking at this point, but why doesn't Red drop Blue and then fly in to pick him up before falling in his mouth, that way you get both the sword and your friend, but of course, then we wouldn't get our forced lesson at the end. (Tally sound) '''Blue: '''Nintendo. Sin Voice: You know who will laugh at this? Anyone under the age of 14. (Tally sound) '''Pink: '''I love you. '''Blue: '''Heh. I love you too. '''Red: '''I got a boner! Sin Voice: And Red is back to noraml two minutes later. (Tally sound) (Credits start) Sin Voice: This song. (Tally sound) '''MOVIE SIN TALLY: 229 SENTENCE: ''Too many boner jokes. (from Red)'' Trivia * Based off of the Youtube channel CinemaSins Category:Episodes Category:Everything Wrong With Category:Long Episode